Published August 2, 2006
yeah, yeah, i know.
The nail marks never started at the top -
no, we were always halfway when we realized
we were falling down, down with nothing to leave behind
but the bits and pieces of ourselves, the dead parts.
Growing, sprouting beauty but purposeful to scrape,
just to tear surfaces and fulfill our lust for things raw -
things broken, shards and the logical reasoning
of placing them together.
Halfway down, we reap no rewards but the
icy ground sloshing at the bottom - sharp bits and ends
to perhaps make a pathway to heaven for the person
on their thousandth fall.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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141,251 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
as Sohini said, very thoughtful. I'm not sure what you wre trying to get across. Maybe make it a bit more clear. ^_^
Beautiful, gummy! Here's some suggestions:
I think "plunging" in the third line instead of falling would be a more powerful word choice.
After "raw" a dash would be more powerful.
Wow. I just loved this poem for some reason. You have such great talent gummy. For the thousandth time, I steal your power of language! *steals*
Very thoughtful and philosophical. The flow of the poem, I think, is not very organized but then again, the words and feeling expressed covers up for that. I loved the first three lines grandly. And the concluding line is very precise and perfect!